Chapter Text
Jason:
“But, anything for you,” he said. Then paused before saying sensitively, “But I do actually need you to lie down this time.” Jason stood and cracked his back and shoulders in several places while Tim complied hastily. Carefully considering the best way to approach the angle, Jason eventually stepped over Tim’s body and knelt, straddling Tim across the tops of Tim’s thighs, his own legs and knees snug against Tim’s.
He had to decide what to draw next, how to incorporate the very, very alluring patch of Tim’s pubic hair—Stop staring. You’re not 12—into a suitable design. Jason almost wished Tim had not requested such a provocative place. But Tim had, so Jason steeled himself and tried to imagine it was only a doodle. After long consideration, frequently interrupted by Jason’s wandering eyes, Jason settled on using the hair as the base for a drawing of a club. It was cheesy he knew, but the important part was it was fast and not sexy. He didn’t need any more reasons to pause. Jason was careful to fill in the hair,just like touching up eyebrowshe told himself. So when he plotted the cloverleaf silhouette it would all be uniform black.
And the designs grew upward and outward from there. Occasionally a mandala or a tessellation approached the curves of Tim’s hipbones but he did not stray so low again. Just for good measure Jason rolled Tim’s waistband back up and worked on in silence. Tim entertained himself looking over his tattooed hands and arm but eventually relaxed and closed his eyes softly like he was napping. Jason started to think that it might just take all night after all. His designs became more intense and more detailed as time passed. They transitioned from abstraction to chemical formulas, concentric circles, and constellations, even quotes. He channeled art nouveau and Book of the Kells heavily. But most frequent of all were painstakingly detailed, big and small pieces of sacred geometry. Based on Tim’s Google search history Jason knew that Tim was very fond of it. Jason had found Tim’s cache of links to explanations and meanings; about a million tabs queued up for reference.
Eventually Tim was covered in permanent ink from his pelvis to the top of his ribs stopping at Tim’s pectorals. Jason had to change positions to reach them comfortably. He inched forward carefully but not carefully enough.
Tim’s toes curled and he looked away.
“Are you alright?”
Tim nodded wordlessly and kept staring at the wall.
Had he been able to face Jason, he would have seen that Jason’s expression was tormented all over again. He was visibly torn between Tim’s specific request to draw on him, his repeated encouragement— and knowing that Tim just wasn’t ready for the kind of intimacy they’d been toying around for hours. He didn’t know how to fulfill them simultaneously.
“Please, don’t stop. I’m okay.”
Jason grimaced. “You’re horny as hell.”
“I’m almost 20.”
Jason almost laughed but resisted. “You’re a horny as hell 20 year old virgin.”
Tim narrowed his eyes to slits. “Your point?”
Jason groaned. “It’s just— you seem pretty wound up. If you need tobe alone…” His cheeks colored, making his faint freckles stand out. He waited for Tim to say something but he realized nothing was coming. “What do you want me to do?”
Tim fisted the hem of Jason’s shirt and used it to pull Jason down to kiss. Jason couldn’t get his reservations out of his head and his part of the exchange was lackluster. It was not typically a problem. Because, well, nobodydidn’twant to have sex with Jason.I mean Tim’s obviously conflicted. I know he wants to, he said as much. But he just wont.Jason didn’t think it was anything religious but he’d never asked. When he dwelt on it, as he often did, he figured it more likely that Tim was just hyper focused on work, something of a very late bloomer and anxious as hell.But hehasproven he can enforce barriers and, usually, communicate feedback. Oh, what the hell.Jason dowsed his misgivings and met Tim’s desperate kisses with earnest ones.
Absently Jason laid hands on Tim’s chest where his fingernail scraped one of Tim’s nipples. Tim moaned sharply.Ah sh*t. There I go again.
Tim said, dazedly, “Stop asking me what I want. I told you to keep drawing.”
“Yes sir.” He dutifully resumed inking Tim’s chest, up to the slope of his shoulders, bulk of his biceps, the whole time dithering whether to leave Tim’s nipples unmarked or if he should go back and ink them too. While he was deciding, Jason even finished the arm he’d started ages ago. The designs from Tim’s shoulder and his forearm met beautifully. He was quite impressed with himself. Then Jason sat up on his knees to both appraise his work from a better perspective, and to give Tim space to move. “Here, roll onto your side.”
As he did Jason noticed a wrinkle in Tim’s nose and that crooked smile that Jason loved so much. Tim only made it when he didn’t mean to. “What is it, Tim?”
“I’m just… glad it’s you.”
Jason flushed all the way to his ears and tried to stop his own crooked smile. “Dork,” he said with more affection than he meant to give away over some dumb, mushy comment. He assumed business as usual. He elevated Tim's arm out of the way to imply Tim rest it elsewhere out of Jason’s way, but before Tim rested the crook of his elbow over his head, he paused to cradle Jason’s cheek in mutual, comfortable silence.
From his fresh angle Jason filled in from Tim’s armpit to the last rib. But he suddenly shifted course and picked up the incomplete designs from Tim’s stomach. He slowed his pace and dawdled over complex designs, eventually moving upwards from Tim’s hipbones. The storm of lines gradually converged on one unmarked spot about three inches long and half an inch wide below Tim’s last rib. It was a scar so ugly to Jason he’d been dreading seeing it when he realized which side of Tim’s body he’d picked. Now, Tim had lots of scars, even fresh, colored bruises Jason had just incorporated in his art. No big deal. But Jason knewthatscar better than his own and it made him sick with self-revulsion.
No, it was not a scar Jason gave Tim. But it was the conspicuous, crude, permanent proof that Jason. Failed. Him. It didn’t matter that Tim survived. Jason was paralyzed imagining that all the dark smudges of ink all over his hands was Tim’s blood; so much of it on Jason’s hands it spilt through his fingers.I wasn’t there.
“What is it? Jason, what’s wrong?” The scar tissue he’d been so reluctant to touch, that he’d intentionally avoided, was covered by Tim’s arm when Tim shifted stiffly to look at Jason with wonder.
It relieved Jason it was obscured.No. You coward. Face it.Jason gently pushed Tim’s arm out of the way so he could grace the scar with fingers. “I thought you were dead.”
Tim frowned but seemed already weary of the subject rather than annoyed. “Jay, it’s nothing.”
“I still dream about it,” mumbled Jason.
“That was two— almost three years ago.”
Wretched self hate and guilt turned bittersweet. “It's been a hell of a ride with you, Tim Drake.”
Brightening when Jason did, Tim pressed the new direction of their conversation. “Yeah? What was your favorite part?”
No hesitation. “The first time you fell asleep in my arms. You were delirious with exhaustion. You kissed me on the chin because you couldn't reach my mouth and called me Jaybird. Drooled on me too.”
“I did not.”
Jason shook his head with an expression of reverie. “I remember it like it was yesterday.”
Tim rolled his eyes. “It was two months ago.
“You definitely drooled.”
Tim’s eyes became slits. “f*ck you, Jason Todd.”
“God yes,” he blurted.
Tim’s eyes widened comically and he became very red faced. “Oh my god.” It was hard, but Jason found the grace to not say anything else. Tim pre-empted the response he expected from Jason and asked, “How much longer do you think this will take? Just curious. I’m a little sore.”
Jason paused over his work. “Youare sore?”
“You'resittingon me,” muttered Tim. Then, even quieter, “You’re kind of heavy.”
Jason smirked. “Yeah and I’ve been hunched over for hours. Imagine how I feel. But, honestly, I’m used to it with you.
Tim shot Jason a withering stare over his shoulder. “I thought we were passed the short jokes.”
“Honey, you can't even reach them. How can we pass them?”
Tim:
Rather than rise to the bait Tim dropped the subject. He tucked his chin to survey the art all over his chest and arm. Like he already had. About a million times. It was like he’d never seen it before, every time. He pressed one inked palm against his naked one. The blank hand looked indecent in comparison. He resolved to suffer through the night if only Jason would keep going. How he was going to persuade Jason to cooperate Tim didn’t know. How he was going to hide it from people Tim didn’t know. That was when a thought occurred to him. “You know, Dick wanted to spar the day after tomorrow. I don't suppose this will wash off by then.”
Jason laughed.An actual, honest-to-god un-ironic, unscripted, unexpected belly laugh. It’s the end times.When Jason recovered he said with ill-contained mirth, “Are you sh*tting me?”
When Jason was done Tim resolved to call in sick for work tomorrow. “This is going to take all night, isn't it?”
Jason shrugged. “Well, I have incentive to finish sooner.”
“What’s that?”
The pen was stuck behind one of Jason’s ears so he could use both his hands to trace the lines all over Tim’s body, even over the scar. “I want to admire my work when I hold you. And huff sharpie off your naked body while we spoon.”
“Unlikely. You know I sleep in underwear.” Well, the spooning bit was very likely. They’d hardly spent a night apart in the last month. Tim scooped up one of Jason’s hands and kissed his palm. It tasted like smudged sharpie.
Jason:
Kneeling forward, Jason bit Tim's ear, pulled at the sensitive flesh and kissed around his teeth marks. Then, after Tim’s keen murmurs became more, Jason whispered between kisses, “I know that. But wear the red ones. They’re the shortest.”
“Mmmm,” was all Tim managed.
With some difficulty Jason found his feet. He appraised his work and tried not to look too proud. “Still got another side, one arm, both legs to finish and your back to do. But, I need a break. You could change now if you want. And skip the shirt tonight. I meant it when I said I was going to look.
By the time Jason returned, Tim had changed into his red briefs, which were, as Jason remembered, shorter than Tim normally wore. His knees were drawn up, exposing his battered legs. From his distance, it looked to Jason like Tim was rocking some awesome socks. The tattoos were still only as high as Tim’s previous hem. And Tim was still shirtless since they’d ruined his dress shirt. Tim’s laptop was still on the floor, long since abandoned. Tim had moved to the couch and browsed his phone. Jason leaned against the archway frame just the same as he had hours ago. Like before, Tim seemed oblivious to Jason’s appearance. But rather than feeling bored and neglected, Jason felt warmth and tenderness and something like what people call happiness.
When Jason shifted his weight Tim looked up. He smiled. “Nice sweater, Jay.” Jason had picked out his favorite Black Canary sweater because it matched the black shorts Tim had requested.
“Nice booty shorts, Bae,” said Jason, trying out the nickname for the first time. It didn’t roll quite right. “Alright, Little Man, on your stomach. I haven't even started your back.”
“I should warn you I'm ticklish.” Tim discarded his phone to the floor next to his laptop and readjusted his position to his stomach.
“I remember.”
Tim:
“You never did give me another back rub,” said Tim, feeling a little gypped. The first— and last— was at least two years ago.
For what Tim thought was a casual conversation, it took Jason forever to reply. Tim chocked it up Jason concentrating on balancing on the couch, finding the right position. But even when Tim figured they were both settled, Jason resting on the back of Tim’s thighs; Jason was rigid.
“Jay?”
“It was too painful. Too intimate. It hurt to be that close to you.” Jason closed his eyes and tried to imagine what he wanted to draw on Tim’s back but all he could picture was the time he struggled to repress his attraction trying to do a favor for Tim. Kind of like today. “I couldn't see a time you would ever want me to touch you…” Jason stroked one finger down the length of Tim’s spine who shivered under his touch. “… The way I wanted to touch you.”
Tim closed his eyes. “That was a long time ago. How long—?”
Having made up his mind, Jason pressed the intense, fresh ink to Tim’s skin just to the left of Tim’s spine bellow the shoulder blades. It glistened as he made a parallel line to the one he’d just made on the other side of Tim’s spine. “How long have I wanted you? I don’t know. I didn’t even know for surethen. You were a kid and I was lonely. But when I did realize it, it was enough that we were together. For a while.” Jason hitched Tim’s underwear down a few inches to continue the lines. Tim inhaled sharply and tried valiantly not to move. But Jason’s hand was steady and the lines met cleanly in a steep point in the shadow of Tim’s crack.
“But you did kiss me. That one time.”
Tim’s words hung between them. Jason’s mind kept jumping between the tattoo and all the things he wanted to say, or weren’t ready to say and how to make them come out in any sensible order. While he thought, the tattoo became quite elaborate and branched out into myriad styles like the front and arms. “It was a moment of weakness. I was crazy enough I thought that, maybe, you were starting to want me to.
“I think, looking back, maybe I did. And just didn't know or, or maybe I did but was just too scared.”
Jason raised both eyebrows marginally. “But you are still scared. You said so earlier.”
“I am.”
Jason closed his eyes with a sinking feeling. He did not want to ask why. He was sure Tim was going to say something like ‘you come on too strong’, or some BS about violating Bruce’s code, or he would remind Jason about the times he’d tried to kill Tim. There were a million and more reasons Tim should hate and fear Jason. Jason just wasn’t sure he could take it right then. But he asked; because he really cared. “Why are you afraid?”
When Jason felt Tim try to roll in place, Jason rose onto his knees to let him. Then, when Tim was on his back and looking comfortable, Jason lowered himself again over Tim. The way they’d shifted in the transition, Jason’s knees were to either side of Tim’s armpits almost.
So it made it easy for Tim to put both hands, one tatted to the finger pads, the other unblemished, put them both on Jason’s thighs. Jason’s throat became dry. Then Tim smoothed his palms up Jason’s bare thighs, raising goose prickles wherever he touched. All the way up to the hem of Jason’s shorts where they stayed, shaking just a little.
Jason:
The blush Jason expected to finally turn Tim’s face the color of a fire engine— it was gone. He was pale instead and tears glistened in his lashes.Oh damn. He’s even sexy when he cries. Why is he crying?“Tim…”
Tim said quietly, “Because everyone I love dies.”
There was a broken place in Jason. Something three years with Tim still had not ameliorated. Not even the three months since hey kind of both fell into uncategorized feelings of attraction. Maybe the PG rated and one or three PG-13 mishaps helpeddistractJason from his hurt, but the one thing he thought might help wasThe L Word.
Cuddling in front of a movie or sneaking kisses on patrol never seemed like the right time to say it out loud. He’d been on the verge of blurting it out during workouts, while sewing up Tim’s wounds, while making breakfast, emptying the dishwasher, squatting at a vacant lakeside mansion to watch the sun set; for as much as a year he’d ached to say it. But that day, in Tim’s arms, filled with his smell, his saliva in his mouth, enthralled by that look in Tim’s luminous blue eyes, savoring the hours alone together— it felt okay. He sure as hell wasn’t going to wait anymore. Not when the word was still on Tim’s lips. He would not keep his secret in his dark place anymore. “I love you too.”
In their wordless excitement Jason bit Tim’s lip very, very hard and drew blood. It didn’t stop them from kissing, not at first. But after a minute Tim said, “Jay, Jay—” and pushed Jason away by the shoulders, just far enough to reluctantly break the kiss.
“Yes?"
“It's the blood- it tastes really gross.”
Jason laughed and wiped Tim’s lip with his thumb. “I’m sorry Tim. Ah, damn. That’s going to leave a mark.”
Tim only sighed. “Don't let that stop you from nipping elsewhere.”
“Tell me.”
Tim cast his damp lashes down, flitted between his prominent bare nipple and Jason’s parted lips. Jason smiled knowingly and obliged Tim. Jason propped his fingers to either side of Tim’s ribcage, to hold Tim still while he probed around Tim’s nipple with the tip of his tongue; opened his mouth to kiss the areola aggressively; sucked on it luxuriously; sure he felt it stiffen in his mouth. He was already tired of prolonging the tease. As tired as he’d been holding onto his confession. He closed his teeth around the hardened nipple, feeling it pull away when Tim’s chest fell, Jason biting more, harder when Tim’s chest rose again. Tim stifled a moan before it passed his lips, by biting down on his own knuckle.
The one nipple was bruised and sore before Jason was done with it, then he turned his hunger on the other. After, he jokingly bit the tip of Tim’s nose, which made them both laugh like giddy idiots. It eased some of the sexual tension they both felt. But it was Tim’s blaring ringtone, Stephanie’s cheerful invitation to the new Star Trek movie the next day, and the long, cold showers they took on opposite ends of the apartment that arrested their compounding arousal. And let them both grin stupidly in private aboutthe L wordthey shared.
For the record, when they did settle into bed together Jason hugged Tim from behind like usual, their legs overlapping as normal. Tim wrapped his arms around his much-abused pillow Jason once spilt his aftershave on and nodded off before Jason. Like always. Jason spent a long time scouring with his eyes Tim’s back and neck and shoulders and folded arms. He trailed fingers along the designs that turned out best or just the body parts within reach he most enjoyed. When he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, Jason kissed Tim between the shoulder blades and murmured, “I love you.”
Nothing was different but everything had changed.
