THE SPRINGFIELD UNION: SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 1924 NINE Lardner Drops Hints to Honeymooners Oracle Also Would Change Wedding Etiquette; Substitute Bride or Groom Suggested to Avoid Delay To the editor: place and 5 No doubt everybody has heard got: a would we of the book called Etiquette which I was who ever wrote same has been ad- family vertising same in all the newspapers middle and periodicals so I won't be violating no confidence when I mention same. Well it seems that on acct. DING DORGM 6-8-24 How many times do you read where a bride or groom was disappointed at the church door. of this being June when the most of the weddings is supposed to come off, why the publishers of Etiquette is running a special advertising campaign with a view to telling brides and grooms how to conduct their wedding without violating the rules of good usages. Well I ain't read Etiquette on acct.
of how much it costs in the in the 2d. place we only ft. book shelf and where put it and in the 3th. place broughten up in a 1st. class where etiquette was their name so why should I spend so as if neither of the stars showed up or both, why I would have somebody else on hand to get marred and people could go home and say they seen it.
Suppose the original bride shows up and the original groom don't show up, why if she goes ahead and marries the substitute or utility groom she is probably getting all the best of it because she has got A man that don't forget his engagements. Or vice verse. money on trying to find out details which I knowed a long while ago. But it scems to me like this month of weddings was a good time to say a few words in regards to what I have observed in regards to weddings, namely that the sameness about same has spoiled many a budding life of happiness was it not for the sameness in regards to same. So without selling no book in regards to etiquette, why I have thought out the following few idears as to how a.
wedding should ought to be conducted and carried on so as to make it conclusive and at the same time a little different, because the trouble with most June weddings who I have heard of to date is because they seem to lack originality, or as the french has it l'originality. Euripides and Mother Hubbard. In the 1st. place it don't never seem to of occurred to the parents who was running the wedding to have a substitute bride or groom as the case may be. How many times do you read on the front page of newspapers where a bride or groom was disappointed at the church door by the failure of the party of the 2d.
part to arrive, most of which is charged to either infidelity or bachelor dinners. If I was running the wedding I would hire a extra bride and groom 4 DIC (Co DoR GAN. 4-8-24 It Has Always Been Etiquette to Thow Rice and Old Shoes at the Delighted Couple. On 2d. thoughts it would be a great idear to not allow the original bride or groom to show up at all because marriage is suppose to be a great adventure and how can you have a greater adventure than have it with somebody you never seen and don't want to see? Now in regards to the wedding obsequies.
It has always been etiquette to throw rice and old shoes at the delighted couple and I might that. if you have got to throw anything at a bride and groom is to throw them a juniper berry and a pr. of new shoes and be sure the last named is a fit. By the time a bride and groom picks up all the rice that is throwed at them, the latter has genally always spoiled. Now how about the honeymoon? I suppose.
the etiquette guide tells the boys and gals to go to Niagara Falls or abroad or 1000 a and no hundreds island. Well in the 1st. place I the -U. S. and Canadian govt.
has just got together and decide it that Niagara is getting spoiled and if steps ain't taken, why they won't be no falls left for honeymooners to glare at. They don't say it in so many plain words, but the more honeymoon couples that glares at Niagara Falls why the more libel they are to get spoiled. So in a spirit of patriotism I would suggest that for a couple of decades that wifes don't take their husband to Niagara Falls on their honeymoon and it seems to me in the 2d. place that when a couple is starting out on their nuptial seas they should ought to see the worse first so I would suggest a honeymoon trip on the Chicago river or the drainage canal or the N. Y.
subway. If they have got to go on a train why I would insist that the groom goes up to the brakeman and says where is the smoker and when that is pointed out, he turns to his wife and says I am going in the smoker and maybe I will see you later. And maybe when she sees him later she will think it is some stranger trying to flirt with her and like him So much the better. RING LARDNER. Copyright, 1924, by The Bell took them along because they had the same tastes.
lloneymoon on the Subway. But now days most people that gets marred is not chinaman and their wifes so it is my suggestion The Fable of the Partners Who Split Out By GEORGE ADE ONCE Firm upon doing a Time Business there under was the Name of Hailfellow and Crabb. The two Partners never had taken any Correspondence Courses or read any Books on Scientific Management. Their Idea of Merchandising wag to And out by what the Trade wanted, and then order in Moderate Quantities and try to work everything off at a fair Profit. They operated In an ordinary 8-cylInder kind of Town but they bad quite a sizable Retail Establishment, upon entering which the Customer was greeted by the mingled Odors of Kerosene, Roasted Coffce, Leather Wisconsin Cheese, Navy Plug, Dried 'Apples and petrified Codfish.
In the good old Summer-Time it was not necessary to go into the Store In order to get the complicated Aroma. Farmers driving by could come very near guessipg what Hailfellow and Crabb carried in Stock. The Firm did a Nice Business and used to split quite a Piece of Money every Jan. 1st. But nelther one was satisfled.
Each felt that he was entitled to at least two thirds of the Net Profits. always carried an Inward Conviction that he was the Brains of the Concern, and Crabb absolutely knew that he (Crabb) was the Head of the Works and 'solely responsible for whatever Profts had rewarded their modest Investment and joint Erforts. Mr. Hallfellow was the HandShaker for the Outfit. His Long Suit was to know everybody and call him by his Front Name.
On every pleasant Day he stood in front of the fragrant Emporlum, In his Shirt Sleeves, holding a public Levee. He yelled at the Farmers driving by and was greeted with easy Familiarity by the School Children. He Keeping Ills Mind off Business. Odd He was a Wise Cracker, very quick about AS a Come-Backer, and a Be-Gosher he' In general, with a lot of Wheezes and Smokers, Riddles that were quoted all the way out a from Bennett's Switch to the Hatha- for the way Ford. ners He knew a lot of good Jokes that attend he had once heard in a Minstrel Show at Columbus, Ohio, but most of his Store, 'Admirers thought that he had made he them up tomers, 1 4 say in passing that this custom come down from the old days of Euripides and Mother Hubbard and these 2 people was married in a house that was just sub let for the summer and had previously been lived in by a chinaman and his wife who wanted to get rid of remnants of their larder which consisted of rice and old shoes.
So they throwed them at the bride and groom and the last named picked them up and that some one who was No Good would get his Name on the Books. Hailfellow would land in about 9.30 and open the Day by reading the Morning Paper through from the Weather Bulletin In front to the Comic Strips on the last Page. After which he was ready to go out and plant himself on a Salt Barrel and discuss the Issues of the Day and help stabllIze Conditions in Europe. Crabb bad taken only one Day off in Four Years, and then he had to attend the Funeral of a Relative. So that when he did get a Vacation there was not much Enjoyment In it.
There was no denying his Industry, but no one warmed up to him. He seemed to have some kind of an inward Grudge against everyone who came in to buy a Bill of Goods. If a customer remarked that it was a Nice Day, he didn't appear to believe it. He always felt that It was going to Rain. The Trade would not hare stuck at all, bad it not been for Hallfellow, who had a way of giving Stick Candy to the Kids and beautiful Colored Pictures, advertising Perfumes and Powders, to the Women Folks.
Each Partner became more and more convinced that he was getting the Short End of the Arrangement. They would go home and unload their Troubles onto the Wives. Mrs. Hailfellow went around to Sewing Socleties and Missionary Meetings telling how Mr. Ifallfellow had to put up with a lot and was really the one who brought all the Trade to the Store.
Mrs. Crabb loved to let all her Friends know that ber Husband slaved like a Dog while the Partner soldiered, but, just the same, always came in on the Cut-up of the Profta. When the Wives begin to take part In a Business Ruction, the Dissolution Notice is about Due. Hailfellow and Crabb agreed to disagree. Hailfellow took his share and opened a New Place across the Street, with a Gilt Sign and nickle-plated Show -Cases.
Almost immediately it was the most popular Joint in Town. At Times there were as many as 10 Men sitting around the Radio swapping Fish Stories. Hailfellow employed a couple. of Clerks who knew more about a Cash Register than the Man who Invented it. He Issued -Books to all who busted out laughing at his Jokes A A Van Ben Hailfellow and Crabb Furthermore, he was a good Mixer.
because he belonged to the K. of P. and the the Cost-Mark Fellows and a few others, so that Mr. Crabb, four Nights out of the Week a Good would All bis Fockets with mild bad the usually neglecting to make Coffin-Trimmer. Ticket, and then he would pike would be Lodge Room and let bis Part- kidding the and the Boy with the Pink Shirt ing himself to the Store.
in the back Sometimes, when he was around the ening out and there was a Saturday Rusb, counts. would have to wait on a few Cus- Crabb was but he was punk Salesman' every The Drummers would Jump sev4 veral Towng in order to get to him' in 8 Hurry, because, if Hailfellow. liked a Drummer, he would order a thousand Gross of Lamp Chimneys rather than to appear unsociable. In a short time he had a Magnificent Stock, but he could not remem4 ber exactly how much It had cost him. So he sold Goods.
at whatever seemed to be reasonable and the Farmers drove long distances 80 83 to give him their Trade. In the meanwhile Crabb was reap-: ing the sure Reward of one who is not kind to his Fellow- Man. Peoplo did not care to patronize one whose Conversation consisted very largely, of Grunts, and why should they do so when they could go right across the Street and buy Stuff below Cost, and a Joke given away with every. Purchase? Crabb began to lose money and overhead ate up his original Invest-: ment. At last the Jobbers closed in on him and asked the Sheriff to take charge and the Sheriff said he would A do 80 as soon as he got through with the Iailfellow Matter.
Mr. Hallfellow had done 3 rush4 ing Business. lIe owed nearly every WholesaleITouse west of New York, and in addition to laying up the most re-. markable mess of Junk ever seen under one Roof, he had collected the Autograph Signature of all the Paupers In the County. Four Experts worked for a Month trying to find out where he stood, and at last they figured out about Fourteen Cents on the Dollar.
It Is always pleasant to record 8 Reconciliation. After all their Ditand Misunderstandings, Hailfellow and Crabb came together and resumed Friendly Relations. Both are employed by a New Concern which bought up the Bankrupt Stocks. Crabb is keeping the Books at not very much per Month, and Hailfellow receives exactly the same Salary for standing around the front Doorway and glad -handing the County Trade. Which proves that it is impossible for a Business Man to eldestep his Destiny.
Pick out the Other Kind for a Partner. Copyright, 1924, never could make out what meant. the Partner, possessed Head for Business, but he Social Disposition of a While Hallfellow up and down the Street, local Population and makwell liked, Crabb would be end of the Store straightthe Books and Disat the Store by 7 o'clock Morning, keeping Tab, for fear 1.
